Sugarvalent and the time of her life

Today day day

2012-02-11T22:56:00.001+07:00

I just love my hair <3

DIY hair bun :)

Sneak peak of what i'll wear tomorrow! :)

The Vow

2012-02-10T20:28:00.000+07:00

Favorite quotes from the vow movie trailer ♥

Paige: "I hope one day i can love the way that you love me"

Leo : "You figured it out once, you'll do it again"

Leo: "I vow to love you, and no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other"

Let the picture speaks

2012-02-09T17:07:00.001+07:00

Obviously you'd have known how am i feeling everyday. Each day is the same, i'm not happy and i don't know how to anymore. Eitherway, i still have to survive aren't i? And i'm too sick of writing how sad and troubled i am, so i'll just be posting pictures.

2012-02-08T21:12:00.000+07:00

How people treat you like property

2012-02-07T21:20:00.001+07:00

Today, i just lost it. I'm so full of emotions, like i just can't keep it for myself anymore. So as soon as i reached home, i went upstairs, burst into tears, and fell asleep in that condition. I don't mean to be a crybaby, but i just can't hold it any longer and as long as anyone doesn't see myself being pathetic like so, it's okay.
I've told you i'm vulnerable. It's not only the vulnerable part that tears me apart, but also everything that is happening to me in these recent months. I've literally received tons and tons of disappointments, varies from the smallest to the enormous ones and recounting them makes me even sadder, looking back, i found out how pathetic it is for me to be treated like property. Do you get what i mean? Like, people come to you for some reason, looking for benefits you'll bring for them, and just set you aside when they're done with you. Yeah, how mean... and if i said "i've grown accustomed to it" would definitely made me even more pathetic than ever. Wtf. But i will never. ever. get accustom to it.
I really really feel like graduating already, starting over, and never looking back.

Couture week

2012-02-06T20:53:00.002+07:00

Just so you know, from all varieties of fashion shows i love the couture show the most. I frequently find myself loving every piece of what couture has to offer, regardless of the sometimes exaggerated or weird pieces. It's just fun to watch.
And now, i'm going to show you some pieces that catch my interest the most. If only those designs came from my head, how great would i be?

Christophe Josse

Christophe Josse : Finale dress

Back side

Maxime Simoen (thumbs up for the futuristic touch)

Maxime Simoen

Stephane Rolland

Pictures' courtesy of : Fashion Inquisitive

Valentino spring couture 2012

2012-02-05T21:40:00.000+07:00

Valentino's Spring Couture 2012

God bless me

2012-02-05T12:14:00.000+07:00

I might have hate Valentine, but i so happen to have a great idea of what to give on that day since me and my friends are most likely to exchange chocolates during the day.
Honestly, before i come up with this idea i have no intention to celebrate valentine, i don't even think of giving any chocolate to my friends. But this idea is just so great that i can't wait to make it soon. Hopefully the ingredients that i need are available here.
Anyway, i feel like i'm going to receive another disappointment sooner or later.. To be honest, i'm surprisingly typing this in shaky hands, because the thought of another disappointment really sicken the hell out of me.

Peace of mind is what i need

2012-02-04T18:34:00.002+07:00

Sorry for being absence for a while.. My computer.. you know..
Anyway, it's February already and no, i'm not excited at all, like literally. While others have been waiting for this month, i've been dreading for this month to come especially on the 14th. Oh God.. Who created valentine's day anyway?? Why should i make it through this month...? I feel like hibernating for the whole month and find myself wake up in March. How terrific would that be?
Well, while others are incredibly enjoying this month i am struggling a lot in here. I don't exactly know what i'm struggling about, i just struggle about everything and every night is my worst night because i cried almost every night and if i'm not crying, i'm upsetting. There's just so many things that goes wrong since last year, and honestly i'm traumatized by how reality treats me, therefore i'm so afraid of what will come next or if things will go the same wrong way again. I just can't handle it anymore... Please please please, no more disappointments.. I'll lose my mind if i ever received another disappointment, or i'll probably self destruct.

If i ever found a place so peaceful and beautiful like the picture above, i'll give it a go. And what i'll be doing is pretty much the same as the girl there, only plus ipod and a mat because i hate sitting on the grass (I'm afraid of the worms and other insects)

Christian Dior Couture 2012

2012-01-26T01:15:00.001+07:00

A Christian Dior Spring haute couture collection for 2012

This is just the matter of taste, and just my opinion that i'm not really a fan of Dior's collection this time. For me, there's too much transparency in it, in which i know is the idea of the whole collection : "the x-ray" but still.. Isn't the statement of transparency really current? I thought fashion shows are about what's next.
But other than that, the collection is lovely and still maintaining the essence of Dior.

ATTENTION PLEASE

2012-01-26T00:54:00.002+07:00

I'm just writing this to inform you, my dear readers that i'm going to post many photos from various runways frequently this time and i know half of my readers aren't interested in fashion which means they are only interested with my daily writings so i don't want make any inconvenience during your visit here (bcs i'll upload more than 20 photos a time), therefore i'm adding the "See full collection" link on each fashion-related-post for people to explore more if they're interested in or you can just leave it there if you're not interested.
So until here!
<33

Titled

2012-01-26T00:26:00.001+07:00

I have no other wish than to wish an end to this whole problems on my family. Problems just keep come and go and i really need a break from worrying about it and so is my family. They need to be free from these whole dramas that have been haunting us since.. Mid November i guess? I don't care, i lost track of time. My point is, people say bad times won't last forever but this time, bad times seem to last like forever to us. I'm sick of seeing my dad pulling his sad, tight face whenever he comes home, sick of seeing my mom worrying about my dad, and sick of the atmosphere around the house.
Can you please put an end to this God? I have no one to tell this to, no one to hold on to either. I really need You and Your power right now. I may not believe in religions, but i believe in You and Your existence. So if You really do exist, please help us find a way out God. I may not have anything to offer you in return but as i say this year i'll try my best to be my best self and as day passes by, i can see myself changing little by little and hopefully this will not only last for a while and may i have the courage and patience to face everything. Lastly, thank you for today dear God <3

Georges Hobeika Spring Summer 2012

2012-01-24T23:52:00.000+07:00

This is Georges Hobeika's Spring/Summer collection for 2012

I am so in love with this spring summer 2012 collection of Georges Hobeika's. It shows that he puts so much attention to the details.The details is impeccable and really well done. I'm impressed by every piece of his collection <3

Chinese New Year 2012

2012-01-22T23:40:00.001+07:00

So i am staying late tonight, thanks to the frappucino that i drank this evening. It helps me to stay awake. I'm actually typing this on 11.15 pm and i'm going to publish it on 12.00 just to make it more special. I'm currently lost for words to write, but here it goes...
I'd like to say Happy Chinese New Year to everyone... And hello aging, as the new year comes i'm getting older like oh my God. 18 is so.. adult? But at least i'm still a teenager, right?
Anyway, i'd also like to wish everyone a great 2012, may all of you stay healthy, be happy, wiser and wealthier. Hopefully 2012 is not the end of the world so we can still enjoy what the world has to offer.
At last but not least, i'd like to thank God for his blessings that i notice or don't notice in the past year, i'm really grateful for everything that he blessed me with and i hope He'll keep doing so and may i achieve my dreams with His blessing. Another thing is, i'm sorry God that i'm not a good devotee of Yours, that i'm still not good enough which means i do lots and lots of sins and i also rarely thank you for each passing day. I can't promise you anything but here's what i'm going to say.. I'll try my best to become my best self and thank you for each passing day.
Therefore, here's a to a good start : Thank You for today dear God. Bless my family and me ♥

Goodnight everyone!
Have a great new year!

With love,
S

29

2012-01-22T16:24:00.000+07:00

Today is spent with cleaning up my room, change my bed sheet together with my brother and sister's, helping my mom cleaning up the house, etc. I'm so damn tired that i need a cup of Starbucks' mocha frappucino. It's my favorite at the current time and apparently i'm going to get it later. Just let me take a nap for a sec. Anyway,... Dad's currently on Jakarta and i really expect him to come home to celebrate chinese new year with us.
I think i'll practice tying up my hair in various ways during holidays. For all of a sudden i love to style my hair. Well, i think habit changes when you're growing. ha-ha.

The End of The Affair?

2012-01-21T16:40:00.000+07:00

"Just because we can't be together doesn't mean i won't love you"

Somebody That I Used to Know - Walk off the Earth (Gotye - Cover)

2012-01-21T15:10:00.000+07:00

I'm obsessed with this cover. Enjoy! :)

Feather in the wind - mindy gledhill

2012-01-21T15:07:00.000+07:00

I'm a feather in the wind
I'm up and then I'm down again
and though the places i have been
to heavens gate and 'round the bend

Things are never what
They appear to be
'Cause everybody's trying to grab a hold of me
So catch me if you can
Set me free again
Like a feather in the wind

I'm a reflection in the glass
'Cause i cant keep from looking back
And though the pages that i lack
Are stuck inside a broken past

Things are never what
They appear to be
So i'll dig a little deeper
Than what the eye can see
And if anybody asks
Making friends at last
With my reflection in the glass

I'm softer than a bride in white
But i'm tough enough to fight my own fight
Sometimes higher than a quivering kite
More lowly than a beggars plight

Like a fire in the night
I'm burnin up with all my might
Don't wanna flicker out of sight
Fade into the morning light

Things are never what
They appear to be
Cause only time will tell when
I'm ashes at your feet
So when i'm burnin bright
Let me be your light
Like a fire in the night

Things are never what
They appear to be
So many different pieces
Make up the whole of me
So hold me in your hands
Take me as i am
'Cause i'm a feather
I'm a reflection
I'm a fire in your direction
I'm unruly
I'm undone
So just love me as i come

Anchor me back down

2012-01-20T21:46:00.000+07:00

So just so you know, my computer is going to break down again real soon. I don't know how many times has it broke down, but whatever... I'm too concerned about my own problem rather than this stupid thing. I might not be able to blog for some time if this computer was to break down again.

A lot is happening right now. I feel like a mess, but this time i'm not concerned about my love life anymore. I think it's better for me to be alone for a while, for better or for worse. I just don't want to let guys mess with my head anymore. I'm so sick of the dramas they bring, the tears, the frustrations, etc. Anyway, i'm very concerned about my dad right now. He keeps pulling this sad, uptight face that always drives me crazy whenever i see him. I don't like to see dad that way. He's apparently frustrated with my grandma's condition which is getting worse each day. Well i think it's normal for old people to get sick, and what to happen is out of our control. What we can do is just accept the fact and live with it. Isn't it so? I understand how he feels, seeing grandma worsening each day is obviously depressing but dad must also remember that he has a family that loves him as much as he does. However, i believe he'll feel better eventually.

FYI, i cut my hair a little too short. I'm so frustrated with the length so the only thing that i can do to fix it is to tie my hair up everyday which is so not me because normally i don't like to tie my hair since tying it will show the roundness of my face but to the hell with it. Moreover, my friends said that i tie my hair messily. Well what can i say? I myself is on a mess so obviously my hair is a reflection of my mood.

I just wish that everything will get better soon.

Untitled

2012-01-17T22:14:00.001+07:00

I was talking with mom about my life on previous years. I wasn't in a good mood from the start and talking about it made me feel even worse. The conversation leads me to recount of how many times have i be bullied, intimidated, left behind and how tragic those years were. Sometimes i wonder if it's me who is not good enough, i wonder if it's me that is really irritating so people keep doing so to me. Well i never thought i'm a good person either, but being treated that way obviously had brought a severe pain to me. I expect my life to be better and better each year but maybe what i expect is a little to much. If you asked me, i don't know which year is great to me. Every year is always the same, what makes it different is just the people and situations. Right now, i'm so eager to graduate and move to a place where nobody knows who i am, starting fresh. But the more i think about it the more paranoid i become because i am so afraid of things falling apart and everything can just change in a snap which i dread so much. I really need things to work out as what i expected them to be.

I've always mentioned here of how this town drives me crazy earlier, and now it still does. This place brings out the worst in me. For an instance, sometimes i talked too harsh, i said sarcasms to others while i never really meant what i say. I never planned to be sarcastic but i just so happened to react so and hereby i would like to apologize to people that i've ever satirized, i never really meant it especially to the one person who i frequently send sarcasm to, and to make it worse i said the sarcasms directly to you. I'm sorry, it's just an act of mine when i'm angry with you but i can't be mad or scold you so i use sarcasms. I don't know whether you notice it or not but whatever it is, i'm really sorry. I know you're one of my blog readers so here's to you.

Fresh start

2012-01-16T19:27:00.000+07:00

Vow of silence

2012-01-16T16:55:00.003+07:00

I am told that i am immature.
I don't know how should i react to this assumption. Perhaps i am, perhaps i'm not. Just because i joke and laugh too much doesn't mean i can't take anything seriously and it also doesn't mean that i'm immature like what you see. And even if i am like what you think of, is it wrong to be immature? Oh i'm sorry.. Do you expect a 17th year old girl should think and act like a 25th? Apparently, being a teenager is only once a lifetime so must we spend our teenage life being all decent, obedient and old? I thought teenage life is all about young, free and wild.
In my opinion, maturing in this early age is not that necessary. Being immature is a part of being a teenager isn't it? Why should we act so old when we're actually young? Why should we pretend to be mature when it's not the time to be so yet? Is it to impress others?
For me, pretending to be somebody that you're not just to impress others is simply pathetic.
They say i'm immature, bad tempered, crazy, etc but at least i'm being myself. At least i'm true to who i am. I'll mature automatically when the time comes.
Whatever you think of me is out of my concern. It's not like you're mature enough either so what is it about judging others?

I'm not going to shoot anyone. I just randomly found this picture and was impressed by it.

First

2012-01-15T09:41:00.001+07:00

So i am asked to make a design for my friend's mom. My job is only to draw and determines which fabrics to be used but it's also quite a challenge for me because i am asked to design a modern kebaya (Indonesian traditional clothes) in which i've never interested in. I just hate the color, the laces, the brocades and velvets, etc. I just hate it in so many aspects. So basically, my design would be different from what kebaya usually looks like. I haven't started to draw yet, but i'm working on it on my mind. So wish me tons of luck because it's my first time designing for others and my name is really in the edge of shamefulness if my design is bad.
Til we meet again <3

When tradition sneaks in

2012-01-13T22:09:00.001+07:00

What is the purpose of praying for the death ones actually? To ask for something from them? Or to wish them happy up there? From what i see, what people do mostly is to ask for something and i think people should stop doing so.
In our tradition when people die, their family would ask for the death ones' blessings and ask them to look after their families. Let's be frank here, i am actually quite annoyed by this tradition and how can i feel so? To begin with, when the they were alive we had already burdened them enough by all of our dramas, problems, etc. and when they died, we are still burdening them by asking for their blessings and protections. I mean is that necessary? For me, it's not even the right thing to be asking.
What we should ask instead is ask them to take care of themselves up there, live a good life and don't worry about us. We should stop burdening them and let them live the life they deserve.
If you want to ask for protection and blessings, ask it from the one who have the job to : God.
Dead peoples are not Gods. They are humans that had gone from earth.
It might be rude for me to criticize tradition and to go against it, no offense but i believe that what i say is true.
So here it is, something for everyone to reconsider about the tradition.

Happy Late New Year!

2012-01-11T15:55:00.001+07:00

Happy New Year!
First of all, sorry for being MIA for quite a while. As usual, my computer broke down again (yes for the hundredth time) and i can't blog with my phone.. so blame it to my computer.
After missing for a while, of course i've loads and loads of story to write but not everything will be written here. The most recent news is, i just had NAFA's entry test last week but the result hasn't come out yet. The agent told me it usually takes at least 4 weeks for the result to come out. I'm quite optimistic about the exam but it's still nerve wrecking for me.

Anyway, i thought 2012 will be a great year for me but it turns out that... nothing changes. I'm particularly lonelier than ever, feeling worst but not as worst as last year, feeling ruined, screwed, unworthy and anything related to those words. The other thing about this year is, i've choose to not holding on to anyone who treats me like an option and i also don't want to treat anyone as my option either, therefore i'd rather be alone, all by myself. And it seems that i still couldn't find the one person who treats me like priority. Nevertheless, it's not the end of the world and no matter how much i complain about it, nothing will change so let's just get over it and enjoy the present for a moment. I don't want to fill this year with how pathetic i feel about myself which is what i frequently did last year. Cheers everyone!

I'm actually quite busy right now since i just got my computer repaired i have so many things to do so until here :)

The Vow

2011-12-07T22:14:00.000+07:00

I always love watching romantic-comedy movies, or just romantic movies, just like this movie right here. But there's a part of this movie that i hate the most, i hate it when there comes the amnesia part. I've read 2 novels and watched 1 movie that are just like this.
Well, from the trailer, i guess this movie will bring so much tears out of me because i almost cried just by watching the trailer. I can't wait for the movie to be released.

Irritated

2011-12-05T22:26:00.001+07:00

I can't hold myself from the desire to write what i am going to write now.
Let's just skip the intros and go to the main problem. Honestly, i am utterly irritated by how people's mouth works nowadays. I mean, i have my own brain. I know what to do and what my limit is. Can't you see? I'm 17.
It's tolerated if they're only spying and criticizing me behind, and it's still tolerable but already irritating enough if they tell my parents every act of mine, but.. it has obviously crossed the line if they make the stories up and exaggerating everything to my parents which has now lead to a misunderstanding between me and them. Firstly, it has been a very common knowledge that there's a huge gap between how older people think with how younger people think, and i've been having the same problem with my parents recently and some people has now successfully worsening it. Thanks guys. Good job.
What you guys should understand is, i'm a teenager. I think differently and modernly, but even if the way i think and what i do is different than what you expected me to be or to do, please remember that it doesn't mean what i'm doing is wrong. It may be wrong in a few decades ago but man.. it's 2011. Mind the year please. And one more thing, please stop spying on me thru blackberry messenger or facebook. It's really irritating. I may just shut my facebook account down, or even my blackberry messenger so no one can find me. Social networks aren't important for me now, so i can shut them down anytime i want.
By the way, i don't mean to be sarcastic but this is what i've been urging to say. Please just cut it off.
And if you're still going to continue doing so, or even go tell my parents about this blog too, go ahead.. but you may have to be quick because i may shut this blog down too. I have a secret blog anyway, so no big deal.

ps. sorry if i'm being disrespectful but who won't be angry if they were me?

Miranda Kerr ♥

2011-12-03T22:03:00.001+07:00

So firstly i've got nothing to write about myself but i have something more interesting to post!
Tonight, i'm going to post about Miranda Kerr and for you who don't know who she is... are you living under a rock? Well if you are, you have to move out! For me, she is the most amazing and beautiful model ever. I've also searched for her in Wikipedia and i'm so agree with this statements :

Kerr's model trademark is her dimples. Celebrity photographer Russell James said of Kerr, "The US has fallen in love with her. We love her because she has the most incredible girl-next-door look and she's also insanely beautiful. It means women are not intimidated by her looks and guys think they might be able to talk to her. It's a fantastic combination ... people want to be around her; she's fun on a shoot … and she's not stupid, which can be a very annoying trait among some models." Model agent Ursula Hufnagl described Kerr as "the perfect endorsement", citing her ability to "truly sell a product."

I can't be more agree with Russell. Every word he says, describes her best.

2011-12-02T21:09:00.001+07:00

Waiting outside the lines

2011-11-28T20:13:00.001+07:00

It's funny how things that i used to not be able to accept are now acceptable.
How could it be? Perhaps, some things that i thought were important are now unimportant. This might be, due to the exhaustion of waiting and hoping for them that their values become invaluable. How great can it be? Just so you know, the failure of achieving what you used to want might leads you to something greater that will make you feel grateful for letting the previous one go and this is exactly what i am doing now : Accepting everything full-heartedly.
I might have broke myself so many times before, having hit by reality several times, but it's not the end of the world. As long as i'm still alive, there are still millions of chances available for me and what matters now is what i am choosing. But frankly, i'm still not sure what options do i have right now. Nevermind tho. I'm thinking of enjoying my present life, and what happens in the future will be thought again in the future.
Actually, i am talking about my college choices. I gave up on Lasalle which was really hard for me to do so but i'm over it anyway. I can't really push my luck so from now on, whatever is offered to me i'll take it without any hesitation. Do i sound desperate? Um, maybe a bit but let's get over it! :)

Greyson Chance - Waiting Outside The Lines

2011-11-27T21:52:00.000+07:00

For the very first time, i'm adoring someone that is younger than myself and now i'm feeling old.
This is a music video that you should see, actually the song is just ok but the talent in this boy is incredible.
He is known for his cover video singing "paparazi" which you can watch it by clicking here
FYI, he's only 14 <3

Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours

2011-11-25T21:06:00.001+07:00

First of all, may i inform you, my dear readers that i am currently so obsessed with love letters! Thanks to the latest novel that i read, that is all about letters. Therefore, i'm going to share one of the most famous love letters by Beethoven. Hold your breath, prepare yourself and here it goes!

Good morning, on July 7

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

Oh my Gawd. If i ever received a letter so poetic and romantic like this one i'd totally die right in the spot. For me, this is the best love letter ever and just so you know this is also the love letter that mr.big (from sex and the city) copied from Beethoven and sent it to Carey because he is incapable of writing love letters (too bad!). You know how of a fan i am of Mr.big (Wait, i think i never told anyone about it). Anyway, i've made my mind up.. I'll definitely date a writer :p

Counting months

2011-11-24T21:15:00.001+07:00

Now i begin to wonder who my blog readers are. I mean, 1509 pageviews a month? It might be a standard amount for some other blog writers, but for me this is.. wow. Unfortunately, i don't take it happily. I'm suspicious of who my readers are. I'm hoping 90% of them are anonymous because i feel more comfortable knowing no one i know is going to read this. It's not that i'm going to talk about them, but i'm going to talk about my life a lot and i don't expect people to have a bigger chance to judge me. Trust me, i'm judged enough.

Anyway, there's something that i'd like to change about myself yet it is my bad tempered personality. I am a bad tempered person especially when i'm tired or hungry or two of them put together. I can also be bad tempered due to the heat of the room or environment. Truthfully, there are so many ways to generate my temper and my temper reached its peak yesterday. How can't it be? I was hungry, exhausted and sleepy yet i am forced to go to a place where cigarette smokes are everywhere, with no air conditioner, and we were asked to wait outside where so many people were there waiting for their numbers to be called, and i was one of them. And with this you might inquire, what are you waiting for? My answer would be : stupid sickening e-identitycard. If you aksed me, i would rather live without an identity rather than having myself to be so tortured that i have to breathe thru that fcking smokes for approximately 2 hours. Therefore, from yesterday on, i will hate everyone who smokes (except my dad) especially in front of me. No toleration. Another thing is, i'll also try to change this bad tempered personality. I mean, hello i'm going to hit 18 by months and maintaining this bad personality is a horrible idea. Bless me!

I'm sorry

2011-11-24T20:56:00.001+07:00

Time heals

2011-11-22T21:34:00.001+07:00

I was so tired that i passed out the moment i hit bed this evening, and i'm still tired by now.
Just so you know, i have come to a term to be slightly interested in Fashion communication and Journalism. I ever thought of being a Journalist, regarding my love towards blogging. I love to play with words, it's just i'm not good at grammar usage. I suck at it, and it's the only concern of mine if i were to take Journalism but i'm still considering about which major to choose.
Apart from these confusing considerations about college, i am actually fine. I know i've been such a mess the other days and i don't know why i just happen to stop thinking about it and start thinking about these college thingy. It's quite funny yet weird at the same time, now that i think about it. I never believed a word of the saying "Time heals everything" but now i do.

You might or might not notice, that i am actually trying to blog using academic writing recently. If you read every post of mine closely, i'm using the some of the connector words and it's quite depressing knowing i always do fancy writing and now i have to change it due to my upcoming english exam.

Untitled

2011-11-21T18:37:00.001+07:00

This college thingy is rocking my nerves. Should i choose Fashion design? I can't say i'm a fan of sewing, my main goal is to establish my own clothing line by having others to sew it for me. I'm not a seamstress material. I think i got it all wrong about Fashion merchandising and marketing, they who told me so also got it wrong. Blame them!
I've gone to both NAFA's and Lasalle's seminars, and i should say i am more impressed by what Lasalle presents. I've also made some research of which one is better at fashion studies and it's Lasalle. To make me more confuse, i'm also exploring my other option left yet it is Raffles. It's no doubt Raffles is the best design school in Singapore, but they happened to divide the program distinctively and it's driving me mad because now i've 3 majors to choose : Fashion Design, Fashion merchandising and marketing or Fashion Communication and Journalism. I know... You must be like, Why is there fashion communication and journalism in your options? Well, i was reading Raffles's catalog the other day and i saw that it teaches Fashion branding and that is what i am aiming for but this course is more to anna-wintour-ing. You know, the editor in chief of Vogue who plays a huge role in fashion industries because of her writings and criticisms towards fashion. The thing is, i'm not interested in criticizing others. Gossiping ok but no criticism.
By the way, i'm quite busy right now so ciao!

Page 179

2011-11-18T20:02:00.001+07:00

After re-reading my blog for a few times, i finally come to a conclusion that my blog is very terrible looking. The design is no doubt, fabulous but the posts are horrible. It's a very sad looking blog, and i'll going to brightens it up a little bit.
I've just finished reading "Where Rainbows End" by Cecilia Ahern and it's a veeerry long story. I keep reading that book like crazy. From 4 to 9.30 pm non stop yesterday and only one or two hours today. This is the thing when i'm gifted a novel, if the book is good i'll go crazy reading it all day. Anyway, there's my most favorite part of the book which i'll share it here :

"Rosie,
I'm returning to Boston tomorrow but before i go i wanted to write this letter to you. All the thoughts and feelings that have been bubbling up inside me are finally overflowing from this pen and i'm leaving this letter for you so that you don't feel that i'm putting you under any great pressure. I understand that you will need to take your time trying to decide on what i am about to say.
I know what's going on, Rosie. You're my best friend and i can see the sadness in your eyes. I know that Greg isn't away working for the weekend. You never could lie to me, you were always terrible at it. Your eyes betray you time and time again. Don't pretend that everything is perfect because i see it isn't. I see that Greg is a selfish man who has absolutely no idea just how lucky he is and it makes me sick.
He is the luckiest man in the world to have you, Rosie, but he doesn't deserve you and you deserve far better. You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart,someone who thinks of you constantly, someone who spends every minute of everyday wondering what you're doing, where you are, who you're with and if you're OK. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and who can protect you from your fears. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be with someone who can make you happy, really happy, dancing-on-air happy. Someone who should have taken the chance to be with you years ago instead of becoming scared and being too afraid to try.
I am not scared anymore, Rosie. I am not afraid to try. I know what that feeling was at your wedding - it was jealousy. My heart broke when i saw the woman i love turning away from me to walk down the aisle with another man, a man she planned to spend the rest of her life with. It was like a prison sentence for me - years stretching ahead without me being able to tell you how i feel or hold you how i wanted to.
Twice we've stood beside each other at the altar, Rosie. Twice. And twice we got it wrong. I needed you to be there for my wedding day but i was too stupid to see that i needed you to be the reason for my wedding day.
I should never have let your lips leave mine all those years ago in Boston. I should never have pulled away. I should never have panicked. I should never have wasted all those years without you. Give me a chance to make them up to you. I love you, Rosie, and I want to be with you and Katie and Josh. Always.
Please think about it. Don't waste your time on Greg. This is our opportunity. Let's stop being afraid and take the chance. I promise i'll make you happy,

All my love,
Alex"

Isn't he a romantic! It's so poetic and touching. The story is about Alex and Rosie that have been friends since they were 7 and blah blah. It's a very long story. To sum it up, they're finally together in their 50th. I knoww! It's so old and late! Yaiks. Alex only finds out his feeling for Rosie after twice wrong marriages, and Rosie discovers hers before married to Greg and blah blah. They have the worst timing ever and the most complicated stories.

Til here!
Goodnight <3

Question marks

2011-11-18T19:03:00.001+07:00

No, this time i won't whine about how upset i am and how fucked up my life is because again i feel absolutely nothing. Like honestly, i don't even know what in my life and in myself that i've been upsetting about or i've forgotten about them since that i've been frustrated since mid October. Even my friends are saying i always pull on a sad face everyday ever since, i don't even notice it. Then they ask me why, and i have trouble telling them because i'm not even sure myself. Well i don't know until when will my face keeps pulling this sad looking expression but let's just stick around and see where will this lead. *fingerscrossed* *pleasenomorestress*

Isn't it an amazing view? Oh God, how i wish to see myself walking down that bridge in a red winter coat feeling all proud and happy for myself. It's somewhere in Paris, by the way. Not exactly my favorite place (duh, my all time favorite place is NY!) but it has a really nice view.

179

2011-11-17T21:32:00.001+07:00

I've always wanted to be young, free and wild. A typical teenager behavior, ya know. But in contrary to that, i am young, free and pretty fucked up. I don't even know how i feel right now, i feel completely nothing. This is what i used to wish for, remember the post where i wrote "one day i decided to live without feelings"? Well here i go, i really get it! It's funny when what you wish for isn't something that you actually wanted, but you can get it easily while it works to the other way round with something that you really wanted. What i was actually referring to when i wrote that post was that, i wished to live without feelings but happiness(My bad i didn't stress it correctly) and a way back to the old me where i don't need to force my laughter and faking everything. It sickens the hell out of me, like literally seeing myself this way is driving me demented.
Some of you may think i'm talking about men right now, but actually no. I'm just upset about my life and myself.

One of those days

2011-11-16T21:10:00.001+07:00

I thought i'm fine, okay, and quite happy. At least i thought so. It never occurred to me that it was just a denial of my unwillingness to face the world. Having to not notice what myself is feeling is quite pathetic for me and the hardest part is the inability to express how i really feel to my family or friends. In recent days, i keep hiding what i actually wanted to express and instead i choose to keep it for my own. I do tell them what my problem is, i just don't express what i'm feeling. Perhaps it's because no one will give a damn on what i'm feeling. Having myself to be surrounded my many lovely people, i thought i'm not lonely but i was wrong. It turns out, it's just me all along. Nobody knows, and nobody will understand. They're just a pretty background to complete the picture.
I'm tired and exhausted. I'm tired of pretending i'm okay when i'm not. I'm tired of faking laughter and smiles so no one would ask why. Last, I'm tired of being myself. Everything is falling apart, and i can do nothing to make it right. It reminds me of how i wanted to go back to the old days, but it's the days i cannot go back into. I feel lost, i don't know where to go, what to choose and what to decide.
What is the definition of happy, anyway? What is definition of unhappy? Seriously, i don't even know what those two words mean anymore. I can't even feel them, all that i'm feeling right is pure exhaustion. When will this end?

Funny how you're dead and people start listening

2011-11-12T22:15:00.001+07:00

As one disappointment keeps leading to one another, i'm getting crazy day by day.
Last year, i was hugely disappointed by mom's decision to not let me skip my third senior year and just leap to college life. Then another disappointments keep on happening, until now. I thought i had the chance to live in UK, because mom was giving a positive response but she changed her mind last minutes and it's mind blowing. My mind, is blowing. I kept looking and reading the GCU catalog since yesterday, imagining what will my life be if i studied there. I thought i won't just be able to look at the pictures but it turns out the contrary. It turns out, all i could do is just mesmerizing the catalog and let go of the dream of reaching London Fashion Week. I am enormously disappointed this time. This ambition is killing me and so is this disappointment. I'm just so mad of myself, why i couldn't manage to get what i wanted, why i always ended up having nothing but mere disappointment? You know i'm so sensitive with anything relates to disappointment. I've been hit by it so many times already! Enough GOD! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!! I swear, the next time i'm hit by disappointment again i'll knock my head on the wall as hard as possible.

Let God decides

2011-11-11T21:29:00.001+07:00

And... I canceled the plan to visit the agent with both of my parents today due to the departure of the agent to Singapore but he will be back on Monday. In the other hand, i choose to deliver the news myself, considering i couldn't wait any longer because i'm dying to know what my parents are going to say. It all gone smooth when i told my mom about studying in UK, similarly mom also wanted to provide the best education for her children but she's kind of doubting me if i could go study that far. It's miles away and it takes a 16 hours flight to Glasglow. A part of me is also scared of going so far away from my families and living alone there, scared of the big responsibilities i'm going to have but another part of me wants to succeed so badly, considering London Fashion Week is a very huge deal. I'm like, i'll do whatever it takes to be able to start my own clothing line. There are bigger opportunities in UK rather than Singapore. However, my dad seemed unhappy when he heard about my plan on furthering my studies there and i won't force him to agree either. I don't want to be his burdens so if he forbids, i'll go to Lasalle Singapore instead. I'm not interested in NAFA anymore, turns out it's not as good as i thought it was.
Therefore, no matter what my parents decide please bless me God.

Where to miss?

2011-11-10T21:38:00.001+07:00

I am in a super stressful condition now. Really, this college thingy is nerve wrecking.
I've just learned that the major that i wanted is actually fashion branding in which is different from fashion merchandising and marketing. Fashion branding is the major for mass production which i'm aiming for but unfortunately there's only a few universities that offer that major yet one of them is Glasglow Caledonian University in UK. I've never thought of studying in UK until today. The most interesting part about this university is, by furthering my studies there, i have a chance to enter/get involved in London Fashion Week which is a huge opportunity. I am dying for it and it's everything that i wanted. Like once you're involved in it you'll have a promising future ahead.
The only thing that worries me most is, would my parents agree? I haven't told them yet, i'm too scared to deliver it to them. Instead, i asked them to go to the agent tomorrow with me and let the agent explain it to them. However, i don't put much hopes in it because i don't think my parents would actually agree but there's no wrong in trying to persuade them right? If i didn't get to study there, i'd just accept the fact that perhaps GCU is not meant for me.
As today is 11.11.11, i've only one wish : Lead me to the right and best path and hopefully it's UK.

The fifth avenue

2011-11-07T22:35:00.000+07:00

I think my previous post had bring a wrong assumption to some people.... My friends were like "are you okay?" and they thought i must be crying. Oh Gawd. No man, i'm not. I just happened to find the quote and inspired to write a post based on it. However, i do have lots of pressures. I am racing with the time, i'm stuck in a condition with no ideas, my cell is getting worse, my stuffs are all over the place and so is me. I've also turned a bit sensitive and a bit more insane than before lately due to the pressures and my period, and what you see now is probably the worst of me. I hate to see myself this way, but i guess i'll just have to hold on a little longer until 20th of November.
I'm usually easily inspirited and designing used to be a fun thing to do but it's a totally different thing now. I expect them to be all perfect and the inspirations only come half way through. It's not just about the design, you must think of everything : the color, the fabric, the clothes, etc and it's driving me nuts. I'm always like, "does this color goes with this color?" "does leather goes with chiffon and satin?" "does this top goes with the bottom?" "does the front goes with the back?" "is it too much?" "do they look dated?" "do they go with the theme?" It's a whole package of imagination, people with no imagination will find it really hard to work in this industry or they'd die and i'm just around the edge of it. Let's just hope that the result will be well worth it and what i do now is not a waste of time.

The empire state building

These, are two of the reasons why i love nyc : the city lights and the empire state building. I honestly don't know what's inside the empire state (i'll google it later), i just find it very fascinating and interesting. The other reasons are the times square, parsons, and fifth avenue. Oh why, i always happen to fall for expensive things. But i say, my success in the future is measured by this city. If i could make a great living there and lived in the fifth avenue, then i've reached the peak of success and if i don't reach it, i'm probably in a state of depression of being a jobless mom, spending the rest of my life in the kitchen looking all dirty and ugly and to see myself depending on my husband will be the worst thing ever. That's the peak of failure of mine. Kitchen, is so not meant for me. I'd like to spend the rest of my life looking fab in a spacious office filled with clothes and fashion week schedules.

Man, it's a huge dream to achieve. Let's see how far can i go.

First and last

2011-11-05T18:46:00.001+07:00

Had you ever experienced it? I had, a couple of times. It's something that i'd experience after a couple of hours crying and i got tired and woke up thinking about it again, feeling worst than ever. It's so rare for me to wake up thinking about someone with a happy smile on my face. I basically just wake up, firstly thinking about what my breakfast is going to be. The only time i woke up feeling like i'm the happiest girl in the world is when i first started dating, when was it.. around my late 13 i guess? and when i was around my mid 16.. Now that i think about it, it has been quite a while but i'm not feeling pathetic or unsatisfied with my condition now.. at least for now.
I'm feeling great, i have a bunch of great friends, great families and i'm proud of myself. I'm not proud of my achievement because i clearly have none, i'm just proud that i have a really driven life. I mean, i know exactly what i wanted unlike any other people who seem to be lost, confused of what they really wanted. This thought, at some point makes me proud of myself a bit. Hell yeah, because i've nothing to be proud of after all this time. Like finally!

Anyway, normally i'm not a perfectionist person. I'm just like, as long as it's done then ok but this time, everything must be perfect. I'm scrapping my portfolio again. I've designed 10 looks, but i'm only going to use four of them so that means there's 16 more to go! Oh God. I can't get my eyes off the clock.

I have a dream bigger than myself

2011-11-04T21:42:00.000+07:00

There are some ridiculous dreams of mine, one of them is i secretly expect to see myself walking down the streets, holding magazines on my left hand and Starbucks on my right hand, looking all fashionable and professional. I could really enjoy walking in that situation, as you should know normally i'm not a walking person. But, there's a but... If it really comes true, surely i'm not living in here. I hate to walk in the streets where pollution is everywhere. It'll be best to see myself walking down the fifth avenue. It's where Parsons located! Oh my Gawd, dying! New York has always been my dream city. It's my cloud nine, people.

Then there's the biggest dream of all.. I'd like to open two clothing line where my garments are sold worldwide. I've also thought about the brand names and my audiences. I'm actually more focusing on producing garments for the mid class people instead of the upper class. I'd like to give everyone a chance to celebrate fashion without worrying about the price tags because there are just so many people who would like to be fashionable but don't have the ability to and they frequently feel ugly by comparing what they wear with what others wear. For me, everyone deserves to be beautiful and financial issues shouldn't be the the stumbling block. I want to make every girl in this world beautiful in every way possible.
I know it's a little too early for me to think about it but hey, if i don't think so, then it's probably not me. I love dreaming and making plans. It's what i do when i'm bored in which happens mostly everyday.
It's getting late now, must hit my bed asap. Goodnight! <3

Just wish me good luck

2011-11-02T22:47:00.000+07:00

I have just watched the whole episodes of Project Runway season 4 and also the season 9 and i always ended up feeling emotional after watching the finales. It's just a total dream come true for them to win the competition. You know i am so sensitive with the discussion about dreams and hopes because i've be greatly disappointed for so many times and i wrote about it frequently, wondering when will my dreams come true. It's hard to see people achieving what they want in such a short and easy way while yours take so long to come or it won't even come true.
I'd like to show on a runway too, make my parents proud of me. But my dad kinds of doubt the major that i'm taking. It's so frustrating to be doubted all the time. I mean, why can't you give me a chance to show what i am capable of? I am greatly interested in fashion and i'd like to spend the rest of my life working in this industry. It's my dream, dad.

I am applying to Lasalle in Singapore, fyi. So i'm not just applying to Nafa and my goal is to achieve both tuition grant and scholarships. As for Lasalle, it's a bit hard to achieve because i need to submit a portfolio containing at least 10 designs with the details about them and i must also explain to the judges about my inspirations for the looks during the interview, and not forgetting the essay. Yes i am asked to write an essay about why do i choose Lasalle, why do i choose this major and what i'd like to do in the future.
I determined to make 20 designs but i'm not sure if it's going to be great because since last week, i've been in a state of confusion. I don't know what my looks are all about. Sometimes i design something so feminine and sexy, but sometimes i go bold and futuristic so they're not constant and that is what frustrated me the most. I need to have the same statement in every of my designs, so all of them relate to each other and expresses who i am as a future designer. The designs must speak for themselves. Although that i've design about 15 looks, i'm going to scrap them all and start over again. I'm not satisfied with my work. Every look of mine gives different statement and some of them give none. I am so confuse of which way i am going. Am i going feminine? bold? futuristic? There's just so many things to do and figuring out in a such short period of time. I am so alarmed by the time movement.

Another news is, i'm participating as a designer in my school's upcoming Trashion Show on February. For you who don't know, Trashion show is a fashion show where the garment must be made out of trashes. Being a part of it is a huge risk for me because your creativity will be judged by many and my reputation is at stake. However, i am taking the risk and i hope it's a risk worth taking. I'll put my best effort in it so be prepared! I am so pumped already!

PS : This blog might not be updated for a while after this post because i'm so so busy, literally! And i like what i'm busying about : fashion! Yeay! Wish me a very great luck :)

To the stars

2011-10-30T09:37:00.000+07:00

TOPSHOP

2011-10-13T21:54:00.001+07:00

I am always afraid that my creativity might not be enough, but for whatever it takes it's my biggest dream and i'm going to strive for it.
I've this idea about turning my designs into real pieces. But of course, you should know that i am not a good tailor, i kinda suck. I don't really enjoy it either. So i thought, why don't i design, and have someone else to make them for me? It's a brilliant idea, and my mom agrees. I need to find a good tailor right away. I'm so excited about seeing my design in real life!
The only thing that matters now is, i'm not really good at designing casual wear such as tops, pants, skirts, etc. I'm more into dresses and that's quite depressing. Oh my God, i seriously need some inspiration for casual wear. May God bless me <3

The footwear are just killing me. I cannot hold myself to not post them here. They're all Topshop's newly in stuffs and i as always is in love with their items.

So-So

2011-10-12T21:57:00.000+07:00

When i recall one of my many wishes about having a perfect man, i laugh at myself.
It's funny when something that you've longed for a long time is finally right there in front of you but for all of a sudden, you don't want it anymore. He is not perfect-perfect actually. So far, all that i know about him is he is tall and funny but i myself have no intention on getting to know him better because clearly i am not interested and I bet now you're wondering why..
I've said that no matter how desperate i was, i would never date someone who i knew from blackberry messenger, facebook, etc. I don't like blind dates, i don't have the time trying to impress a guy i just knew where we only chat a couple of times. Ops.. That went wrong, i mean even if we chat for a million times, i'm still not interested.
the relationship that i wanted is a boyfriend-bestfriend relationship where we've known each other for quite a while, and we're both comfortable with each other, and both of us know our good and bad sides but still are willing to accept them. I want a relationship based on mutual trust, so my future boyfriend must be my friend. This.. is the reason why and no, i do not have a crush on anyone at the current time, so.

One day i decided to live without feelings

2011-10-11T21:16:00.000+07:00

I am a bad person, aren't i?
Never for a second of my life, i thought of myself as one of those good persons. I always know i am not good, but i feel worst now. I am as screwed up as ever.
And headache is hitting me again, just like the old times where my head hurt almost everyday. I just happened to have so much in my mind right now, and i feel really guilty and disappointed of myself. This post might not make any sense to you, yes i am writing a nonsense right now. I don't even know what the eff i am doing so just let me finish this post. Let me write some nonsenses until i feel a bit better.

Dear God, things haven't happened to happen the way i wanted to. You know how screwed up i was, how fucked up i am, and what will i be later. Please, just for this one time, let me be happy. I don't want to feel bad about myself anymore, i don't want to see myself thinking of things that will make me unhappy. Just make my day God, make my life better. Please lead me to a path where my happiness lies.

2011-10-11T20:47:00.003+07:00

Should say today is the worst day ever. I feel guilty hell much.
I am so fucked up.

2011-10-10T21:07:00.002+07:00

I love pink, roses, and everything that is beautiful.

I want to be iconic

2011-10-07T22:57:00.003+07:00

Guess that i am not creative enough...
I've been working on my designs for the last 2 hours and the results are disappointing. I don't know whether it's due to the colors or the designs. I just know it's horrible. Even i myself are embarrass to see them. It's like a junior kid's works. What's wrong with me?
I want to be more creative, full of new ideas, but what i get is horrible designs and no idea.
I want to be iconic, be as creative as J. Mendel, Georgina Chapman or Zuhair Murad but so far there's no sign of me going to be like them. Oh my God.. I'll definitely work on it as frequently as possible. Even if i can't be iconic, i want to be influential. Wait a sec, isn't iconic the same with influential? Whatever.
I love fashion to the core and i'm going to fight for it. Nothing's going to change my mind.
Fighting!

RIP Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T19:00:00.001+07:00

FORTUNE -- On Wednesday, America lost its most successful chief executive, the technology industry lost its greatest visionary, and Silicon Valley lost a giant whose influence will be felt for years to come.Steve Jobs, who by the force of his charisma, intuition and personality reshaped industries and turned Apple into America's most valued company, died at the age of 56.
"Steve's brilliance, passion and energy were the source of countless innovations that enrich and improve all of our lives, the Apple board said
in a statement. "The world is immeasurably better because of Steve."
I can't claim to have known Jobs well, though as a reporter covering Apple (AAPL) I spoke with him on several occasions. But in the nearly 30 years I have lived in Silicon Valley, I was struck by one thing that never changed: Whatever Steve Jobs did mattered.
In the mid-1980s, I worked as a software engineer at Sun Microsystems. The period marked the nadir of Jobs' career. He had just been pushed out of Apple, the company he co-founded in 1976 with his high-school friend Steve Wozniak. Jobs had gone on to start NeXT, a maker of computer workstations designed for the education market. NeXT never became a major force in the industry, which Sun dominated. But at Sun, where I worked under technology visionaries like Eric Schmidt, Andy Bechtolsheim and Bill Joy, that didn't seem to be important. Everyone at Sun carefully tracked the progress of Jobs' little startup. Everyone was aware of NeXT and everyone respected it. Everyone, it seemed, was aware of the genius of Steve Jobs.
Jobs, of course, had earned that respect. At Apple, Jobs had already created the Apple II, the first computer that would appeal to consumers, and the Macintosh, the machine that made computers accessible to the masses. He had also shown that his uncompromising aesthetic and sense of design mattered, even if many in the industry remained unconvinced at the time. Few would dispute that today.
Some 10 years later, I remember heading to Microsoft (MSFT) near Seattle as a reporter, to cover a conference for financial analysts. Jobs had recently returned to Apple and introduced the first iMacs, the multicolored egg-shaped computers that came encased in translucent plastic. Apple was nearly bankrupt and its market share of the computer business was insignificant. Yet it was clear that the iMac mattered, even if some of Job's rivals heaped scorn on it. "The one thing Apple's providing now is leadership in colors," Bill Gates, then the C.E.O. of Microsoft, said during the conference. "It won't take long for us to catch up with that, I don't think."
In many ways, Microsoft never understood what made Apple unique, and it never caught up. The candy-colored iMacs were the first step in the most remarkable turnaround in American business. They also became the latest indication of Jobs' most uncanny gift: his ability to come up with products that consumers would want even before they knew they wanted them.
Still Apple's transformation into a juggernaut was not immediate. As Apple remained a niche player in the ensuing years, I remember friends in the tech industry asking me why Apple received so much coverage in the press. The media's obsession with Apple, they argued, was wildly disproportionate to its importance in the marketplace. I didn't have a good answer, other than to say that what Jobs did always seemed to matter. And it did more so by the day.
At the time, Jobs was in the process of reshaping the movie business with Pixar, which had produced hits like Toy Story and A Bug's Life, and which he later sold to Disney (DIS) for $7.4 billion. A couple of years later, Jobs dragged the music industry into the digital age with the iPod and iTunes, and in the process, turned Apple into the world's largest seller of music and music players. He then led the mobile computing revolution with the iPhone, Apple's most successful and profitable device ever. And almost as an encore, he singlehandedly created a new, multi-billion dollar category of mobile computers with the iPad.
"Other people have built amazing companies or created new industries," the veteran Silicon Valley technology forecaster Paul Saffo told me earlier this year. "But Steve is alone in that he started multiple companies and launched multiple revolutions."
No one questions the importance of Steve Jobs any more. As the tributes began pouring in Wednesday, they were honoring a giant, a college dropout with a contrarian streak who transformed himself into a modern-day Henry Ford.
"The world rarely sees someone who has had the profound impact Steve has had, the effects of which will be felt for many generations to come," said Gates, Jobs' erstwhile competitor, who became his friend in recent years. "For those of us lucky enough to get to work with him, it's been an insanely great honor. I will miss Steve immensely."
Mark Zuckerberg, a mogul of a new generation, wrote on Facebook: "Steve, thank you for being a mentor and a friend. Thanks for showing that what you build can change the world. I will miss you."
And President Obama said: "There may be no greater tribute to Steve's success than the fact that much of the world learned of his passing on a device he invented." Indeed, Jobs truly made technology relevant to everyone.

Courtesy of : http://tech.fortune.cnn.com/2011/10/06/steve-jobs/

Rest In peace, Mr. Jobs. You're a legend and you'll definitely be missed. :(

Just a kiss goodnight

2011-10-05T21:34:00.002+07:00

You don't choose who you are going to fall in love with and so do i. This is why, here i am, praying to God, asking him to not let me fall in love with anyone until i go study aboard. I don't want to have a feeling so complicated where you'll feel sad, disappointed, etc because of one boy. I am done feeling so. I don't want to cry for something that's not worth my tears anymore.
If i am destined to fall for one person before i go aboard, please make sure i fall for the right person and in a situation where he falls for me too, dear God. And if falling for that one person means having a long distance relationship, i think won't mind because all i want is a relationship purely based on trust and i think no matter how far we're separated, it's fine if both of us trust each other. Many say it won't work, but i don't believe in what people say. Anything is possible as long as you have enough will.
It's not that i am falling for someone right now, no, not yet. This is just a prevention-wish to God if i will happen to encounter this situation again and as an act of support to my friends who will have a long distance relationship.

PS : Please God, no more bastards, no more ass-brained men. I've suffered a lot and i've had enough. And to Frans, if you happened to read this post, please stop looking for my grammatical errors.

STFU

2011-10-05T21:09:00.001+07:00

I hate it when people who used to ignore me for all of a sudden call me up with a big smile on their faces, asking me to do them a favor and i'll be like what.. the.. fuck..
Seriously, i am totally offended. Just keep ignoring me and keep that creepy smiles out of my sight. I've said, i don't do friends with benefits.

What

2011-10-04T21:37:00.001+07:00

Have i told you that i am so screwed up? Like seriously, i feel so.
I can't stop thinking about what i am in others' eyes since this afternoon. Yes i ever said that i don't care of what people think of me because what matters to me is what i think about myself, but the thing is i think about myself differently now. I think i am so,.. the opposite of lovely. I am not the kind of girl who is liked by everyone, in fact i believe some of them might hate me for my attitude.
No matter how many times i said i don't care, i still do.. a bit.. sometimes maybe. I just don't want to grow unlovely. I mean, i don't want to live a life where people constantly talk about me behind. Really, it's the most depressing situation.
Therefore, what am i in your eyes?

A world so screwed up

2011-10-03T20:52:00.002+07:00

What time is it?

2011-10-01T22:56:00.000+07:00

Forgive me for my absence in updating my blog, because i seriously have nothing in my mind and even if i had, i am reluctant to share it here because some of them are my personal problems. But seriously, i have nothing to say. I've tried to write, but i just stopped in the middle while writing it and now i have no idea of what am i going to write.
Anyway just to make it clear, my friendship with my best friend has now recovered. I can't be more happy to accept this fact.

Kay, i give up. I have no single idea of what should i write.

The best thing i haven't do

2011-09-27T21:59:00.002+07:00

When a single picture, makes you wonder a lot...

Wonders

2011-09-22T22:45:00.000+07:00

I can't stop telling myself that i will eventually have a life like fairytale that i've longed for a long time. It helps me to ease this pain a little bit, but by saying so to myself, makes me wonder when.
Then i happened to come across another question, is it true that by having a bf will make my life happier and turns my miserable life into a fairytale? Will it?
Well, all that i know is at least i won't be as lonely as now anymore.
I keep being upset about my own self many a times, of why i seem to be so in need of a man, why do i keep thinking about it everyday, wondering when will i find the right one. Do you also happen to have the same wonders as mine? Actually i prefer myself to be thinking more about fashion and my future, but this useless and unnecessary thought keeps hunting and consumes me. Geez, what is so wrong with me? I hate to see myself this way. Now I think of myself as an useless and dependent girl in which i don't want to be.
But of course, no worries. I will find a way to conquer this thoughts... and by the way, i am getting fatter day by day. Oh my god. I'll stop eating a lot and start to exercise. In fact, i've been exercising for the last 2 days and hopefully i'll get skinnier by the end of the month.

If my body is shaped like that, i'd go to the beach everyday to show it off.

I am all over fashion

2011-09-21T22:28:00.000+07:00

Dear J

2011-09-19T22:19:00.001+07:00

I promised a friend of mine to write a reply for what she had said this afternoon, since that i am not the kind of person who could show the whole me in general, i decided to make a reply through my blog which is the best way ever. Thank God there was a time where i feel like running a blog.
Here it goes :

Dear J,
I should say that i am not a good person, either a good friend. So firstly forgive me if what i did or said ever hurt your feelings, which i never meant to and i thank you for every sweet little things that you ever did or gave me. Honestly, i feel blessed that i have the chance to befriended you. You may not be a good person but i don't mind all that because i think you have a great heart inside. You just never showed it to others. You told me your secrets and afraid that i might looked at you the wrong way, actually no. Believe me, i don't judge. I am as fucked up as you are. I just don't have the nerve to tell anyone. I guess it's true that everyone has that one secret that they will never tell even to their best friends. I envied you for being so brave.
And don't take this the wrong way, but i've never met anyone like you before. I think you're the only one that really considers me as a friend, like you actually think of my happiness. I am seriously, touched. Say, i know how good you are to me after all these time, you're even better than my best friend but i just never sensed them, not since "that tragedy". I kind of ruined my friendship with my best friend and i think there's no chance available to save it anymore. We may still remain friends, but not as close as before. You won't know how much it hurts. I've devoted myself for that one friendship that i thought would last forever, but it ended up screwed. If you can, don't have best friends. Just have great friends. Don't devote yourself for friendships especially for someone like me. I am a horrible person, i screwed things unexpectedly.
Anyway, never think of "oh i go second of her priority" because you can't always see things that way. The truth is, i don't even know who my priority friends are right now. So don't think too much because you always, think too much. Also, thank you for your card, and your shell ring. Sorry i didn't react the way you expected i might be. That must be a waste of your efforts searching on google of ways to make friends happy but don't worry, it doesn't go for nothing. I just can't show my whole emotions to people. Believe me, if i show it, there will be a lot of tears because i cry easily. I have a fragile heart. haha! No, seriously.
One more thing, you ever asked of why i seem to be so in need of a man in my life. Perhaps i am lonely, you know.. I feel lonelier than ever now, and seems like the need of it has come into my nerves. But no worries, i can handle this. I may fall in love easily, but i will never choose love over fashion. Hell, why would i sacrifice my passion and whole future for a love that i don't know how long will it last? I am not that shallow minded. My heart never consumes my head fully.

I often feel like writing this out but i can't find the right words to say it but i do now. So this is it, i've found the best and proper way to show my gratitude towards your kindness. I guess this post summarizes it up. If there's any further questions that you would like to inquire, call 14022. KFC will answer them for you! Hahaha!

Ps: i am way too lazy to check on my grammars. So kindly don't read it too seriously because you might find the errors.

Made out of love

2011-09-18T13:09:00.003+07:00

This is hand-made by myself <3

Envious

2011-09-14T22:16:00.003+07:00

I am not as lucky or as fortunate as others...
They found their happiness, live the fairytale of their own, but i don't.. or not yet.
It's pretty upsetting to see others finally get the things that they wanted but we haven't. And i can't stop being envious. I'm not living a fairytale, not a great life, but at least i'm liking it. I can't say i'm loving it because sometimes i don't feel so.
I miss being loved by someone i love, or someone i like. Many of my friends gain the love of their dreams in a short time, and i wonder why mine takes so long to come to me.
They get tall, rich, handsome guys easily. Well, i can't say that i don't want these kind of men but it's just not my priority now. Somehow i figured out that what i really want is a man who can make me happy and who loves me more than i do. That's the point on having a relationship right? Being happy. And i've grown accustomed of being on my own too, lately. I used to be so in need of someone to chat with on bbm but not again..

ps: forgive me if my previous post was a bit out of line, it was written with anger and furry. I was so mad and still is.

2011-09-13T17:38:00.002+07:00

Tulips

2011-09-13T17:18:00.001+07:00

When reality hits

2011-09-13T16:36:00.001+07:00

As promised in twitter, i'll post 2 post in a row when i get my internet connection. This is a blog piece that i wrote several days earlier, when everything started to get so screwed up. Here it goes...

An advice from me to you, don’t ever put yourself in athird person’s shoes because it will not just bring a great humiliation but also greatdisappointment to you in the end. Even if the man is willing to give up hisgirlfriend for you, are you sure that he won’t give you up in the end too? Ishe a good man if he chase you while he’s in a relationship? Even the stupidestperson would know he’s not a good one.

I’ve been trying to wake my friend up with all effortsbefore it’s too late. I know how does it feel to be a third person, nah, i wasnot a third person actually, but almost there. I stopped when i realized whatthe eff was i doing and i know how much disappointment and pain will it bring.I’ve been there, that’s why i don’t want my friend to walk in the same shoeswith me! But what she’s doing is not listening and keeps saying i don’tunderstand her feeling and when i tried to relate my experience with her, shesaid the man i loved was even never been mine and the man she loves ever beenhers for quite a long time. Is the size of your love, measured by how long you’ve been with himinstead of how comfortable do you feel when he’s around? I don’t think it’smeasured by years honestly. What’s the point on having an up to yearsrelationship but your boyfie is a complete ass and you know exactly his assholeside but you’re still willing to hold on to him. IS that necessary? REALLY?

She hurts my feeling at that point, subconsciously. Yeah,perhaps he was never mine, but my love for him was not less compared to herlove towards her ex.

No matter what i said, she just couldn’t listen to them. I’mdone trying. Whatever happens next is all on her and her alone. I’ve tried mybest, best enough until my feeling is also hurt by her words. It sounded like iwas a desperate girl, obsessed with someone that i couldn’t have. Thank you.Yeah i never had him, but i will have a better and greater man than him andyour ex.

Perhaps i should just let reality hits you by itself so youcould finally wake up from your wrong decision. And of course, when the timecomes, i’ll be there when you need me but right now, i think you and i need sometime alone.

Blake Lively

2011-09-04T20:43:00.000+07:00

If you're a daily reader of my blog, you must have known that i am a big fan of Blake Lively. See those pictures above? She is beautiful in every expression that she makes. It's like, she always be herself and no covering up. I love her most when she laughs. Most of us would watch our way of laughter when we're with those who we like. We would be like, just smile as sweet as possible and try not to laugh hard because we'll look hideous. But Blake is different. She doesn't need to do so because she is beautiful in every way. She is also not a party girl and she likes to just stay home and read Martha Stewart's books. She is the kind of girl i would like to be.
I should say, i am only pretty with my fake smiles. I look hideous when i laugh, in which is something that i do mostly everyday, laughing. If i could, i would like to be myself completely, like expressing my feelings whenever i feel to, don't style my hair every morning, don't wear contacts everyday, etc. But who will like the real me?
How great will it be if i could be like Blake...

Friends with benefits

2011-09-03T12:02:00.002+07:00

Sometimes when i tell my friends my problems or tell them how sad i am, i don't really need their encouragements. That's why i sometimes say no one understands me. Yes, because no one does. I don't need encouragements such as "You can do it!" , "Goodluck dear!" , "Be patient, ok?" , etc. Seriously, those words make my day no better. In fact, a little people really mean it. Some people just say it for fun. What i really need is a solution or even, an escape. Wouldn't it be better if someone actually say "I'll help you out" or "Let's escape. How about beach tomorrow?". People who can say those things, are the ones who really care for you. I mean, why would they waste their time helping you if you mean nothing to them?
This is why, i can see which one of my friends are my real friends and which aren't. Some only consider you as friends with benefits. Honestly, i don't do friends with benefits. I loathe it to be exact. I hate people who befriended you only because you bring advantages to them and throw you right away after you bring nothing but burdens to them. If i have friends like this, i'll make sure i give them no advantages.
So people, if you want to be one of my friends, be a real one or just fuck off.

Personal notes to my readers : I only write when i have something in my mind. That's why i don't blog everyday. But i'll post some interesting pictures if i have nothing to write. Thank you for reading people <3

Parsons

2011-09-02T23:01:00.005+07:00

This is the second best fashion school in the world which i am dying to enroll. It is also located in NY, my dream city. Unfortunately, my parents won't allow me to enroll there firstly because it's faraway from my hometown and secondly because the college & living expenses are relatively high.
*sigh*

Kiss on the lips

2011-09-01T23:08:00.000+07:00

2011-08-31T12:51:00.001+07:00

101 Roses

2011-08-29T21:41:00.000+07:00

Wouldn't it be romantic if a man that you like suddenly appears in front of your front door holding a bouquet of white roses and asking you to be his gf? If it happens to me, i'd say yes immediately or even cried to make the moment more dramatic.

Let me tell you something, i've never received even a single bouquet of flowers in my whole life. Isn't that sad but i live thru it anyway so no big deal. Some men think that flowers are just a waste of money but it never occurs to them of how much happiness would the flowers bring to their girlfriends.
That, is the fairytale that i'm aiming for and no, i haven't got a bf yet, at least not in a short time. I haven't found one, in fact i don't want to find one. I want him to find me instead.
My heart may be broke several times, but it still will not stop to love.
Do you remember the post about the type of guy that me and most girls' would like to date? Yeah, you may forget about it now because on second thought, i think none of it matters to me now. I don't need a handsome, rich, and tall men anymore because i think, their kindness and attitude are the only thing that matter the most. What's the point on dating a prince in a white horse but he is an asshol*? I'd rather date a regular folk with a great personality.
This is what i learned from my personal experience, life teaches me to see something through the heart, not through the eyes and i guess you guys should learn it too. :)

War in me

2011-08-27T21:22:00.000+07:00

First thing first, Happy Graduation day to my sister Jeje! So proud of you!
Another chapter of your life has passed, and your new journey awaits.
May you find the job that is best for you <3

Anyway, this mood swings is killing me. Can anyone help me to stop being pathetic?
I don't feel like talking to my best friends or my friends about this problem. I feel like talking to God instead but can He hear me? Can He answer me? Can He please show me the way to get out of this situation? I really don't understand myself right now. What the hell i'm thinking, what the hell i'm doing. I'm so sick of myself and i know whatever i am writing now, you guys don't understand a thing. Yeah, i'm being pathetic now so everything i said only makes sense to me because i don't want people to understand my shits either. They'll drive you nuts if you knew.

There are so many questions in my mind. One of them is, is it true that if you listen to your heart and do what you feel like doing could lead you to a happy ending? Is that so? Somewhat i can't stop doubting that statement. All that i know is, what i am experiencing right now is something that others never get to experience. Lucky me or pity me?

Nail arts

2011-08-26T21:14:00.000+07:00

Normally i'm not interested with nail arts because i have this bad habit of biting my nails when i'm nervous or bored but all of a sudden, i'm so interested in it until i've stopped biting them in freaking 2 weeks only. And now i'm searching for some nail polish from OPI which i heard has the best colors ever and also the shatters effect. I'm currently in love with the color apple green, soft pink, and sky blue. Oh my god. How in the world could i change into a person like this. Is this a good change or a bad one?

You'd probably wonder why there's a pink blacberry photo here, well i happened to find this photo by accident and the blackberry is exactly like mine. The colors, the type, omg. Twins!

Catch My Heart

2011-08-26T18:01:00.000+07:00

Best thing i never had

2011-08-22T23:02:00.001+07:00

Let alone about the fact of me, never getting a fairytale of my own. I am so sick thinking about love or boys, for now. I've just realized that i've spent most of my life thinking about those things that are not really important and i always ended up crying over it (I have a fragile heart, so i am the type of person that can cry easily). I have made the same mistake twice, and the second mistake should be blamed in me. I am the one that was so dumb to wait for something and hold on to nothing whereas something never expect me to do so.
As said in a quote that i read yesterday "You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice". Hell, the more i read this quote, the dumber i feel about myself. I am so not a good decision maker. The first mistake was my first ex who i used to love so much. He wasn't really a mistake tho, because it was me who made the mistake. I didn't want to let him go, so i ended up hurting myself real bad. But i feel blessed to ever had him in my life. Loving him taught me a lot of things and losing him gave me a chance to meet someone better, physically. Only, physically.
Okay, enough talking about these things because if i continue, i may subconsciously start talking about someone that is not to be mentioned here ever again.

I want to live this life to the fullest, so i better don't spend my time thinking unimportant things that will lead me nowhere.

-Goodnight ♥

Au revoir

2011-08-20T23:14:00.002+07:00

I was in a state full of doubtfulness yesterday.
I thought of telling him how i really feel, and i'm just being honest, not asking him to be my bf ok.
Some of you might think how shameless am i, but i think it's fine. What's so wrong in being honest? I'm not asking him to be my boyfriend, right? Most of you must have think of how cheap am i, how stupid am i, and how shameless am i. But you know what? I don't give a fuck. I know it's pretty risky to tell him directly, but what if by doing so i could finally be free from the torment and misery that this feeling brings? Can you guys just for one second of your life, stop judging others? Have you ever loved someone secretly for years? Do you know how of a torture it is to hold back your feelings? for years? If you don't know, then just shut the fuck up.
It's not that i didn't try to get over him. I've tried. Many times. They just didn't work. The reason of why i couldn't get over him was because i kept wondering if he still loves me, wondering if he could someday be mine so i subconsciously waited for him, for years. No matter how many times i tried to forget, what i always ended up doing was waiting as now i finally realized. So i figured out that the only way to get over him is to tell him directly so when he gave me a negative reaction, it'll be easier for me to get over him because i no longer doubt whether he still loves me or not. Some of you could just hold back your feelings and keep it forever. Yeah, keep doing so and see when can you get over him. If you want to forget someone, you must firstly figured out what's the thing that make you can't forget him? In most cases, it's because you're still wondering if he still loves you. If you asked me, i'd say go ask him. Even if the answer is a no, it'll be a lot easier for you to forget.

See this picture above? Now you know keeping your pride will lead to nothing.
That, was what i thought yesterday. I changed my mind this morning when i knew something about him that sickens me the most. Let alone that tens of poetic posts that were dedicated to him, turns out he is also another huge mistake of mine. He is the sickest person i've ever met. If you know the story, i believe we'll share the same opinion. But of course, the story is better remained untold. I received an enormous size of disappointment the moment i heard it. How can't i be disappointed that much? I've waited for him, for 2 freaking years. I've always thought that he is worth the wait. I've always thought that he is a good person. But everything turns out the contrary. He doesn't worth my wait, he's not even a good person despite his innocent face. I've wasted almost 2 years, loving the wrong person. I am super dumb. Why can't i figure out his real personality earlier... ?
What I wrote for him in here are more than those posts that i ever wrote for my first ex. See? He meant so much to me, until this morning. I know i am the one to blame for all these messes because it was me that were willing to wait, he never asked for it but he is just so sick that my big love has now turns into utter hatred. So i canceled my plan about telling him my true feelings. He does not worth the risk. After all, i feel relieved now, knowing what kind of a person he is break my heart right in place and even an answer from him is now not needed because his character has gave me an answer.
Just to be clear, i still think that what i thought yesterday is right. If only the situation was different, i'd have told him by now. I'm a believer that there's no wrong in telling our feelings to those whom we love. It doesn't always has to be them who said it first.

"This will be the last post from me to you, dear someone. After this post, you will never be mentioned again and i myself will lead my own life, faraway from the thought of you. Thanks for breaking my heart, and thanks for filling my life with happiness, sadness, disappointments and jealousies. You sure brought colors to my little world. And forgive me for calling you the sickest person ever but really, you should see what you've become now. People don't make the same mistake twice but in your case, you've made the same mistake twice deliberately. Appreciate what you have now, because it will not last forever especially with a bad habit like that. Don't hurt the one that loves you the most. You don't give up just because things get hard.
One more thing, someday somehow i may forget what you said or what you did but i will never forget how you made me feel.

Sincerely,
The one that ever loved you."

Dreams

2011-08-16T22:08:00.000+07:00

A quick post :

Some people keep encouraging us to dream big, but why in my case, the more i dream the more i can't reach? And some say, things that you least expected are the ones that most likely to come true.
In this case, which one should i believe in?

ps: i only write when i have something in mind. Apparently, the only thing that's filling my mind are the questions above. Stay tune.

Puss In Boots "No Pants" Pants

2011-08-14T20:10:00.000+07:00

Lonely, i am so lonely.

2011-08-12T22:27:00.001+07:00

Firstly, i'd like to announce that Jeje, my sister has made a blog. It's quite surprising since that she once said she's not that in to blogging. My friends said my blog is written in a great writing style, well thank you but, have you seen Jeje's writing style? She once blogged here too. Yet, she's so much better than me.
So please kindly visit and follow Jeje's new made blog! Click here !
I don't have many followers so, it's quite hard to ask people to follow. I find it so hard to gain followers on blogger. Perhaps because not everyone loves to blog.

Anyway people, i am wondering why i am not feeling happy recently. In fact i haven't been happy for a while now. Even though i laugh and smile everyday, it still doesn't mean that i am really happy. And why do i feel so? Perhaps because i'm feeling lonely. I am using blackberry but i don't chat with anyone but my girlfriends which we always happened to only talk about boys, our miserable love life, and other unimportant things that could make us feel good for a while. But too bad, we don't chat everyday so there are still some time where i feel lonely the most. I bet you'll ask me to find my girls when i am lonely, but it's just weird you know. It's so weird if i suddenly chat them and say " What r u doing? i am so lonely right now " sounds like i am a freaking lesbian. In fact, they're busy chatting with their male friends too so there's no space for me. Then you'll inquire, why don't i chat with my male friends? Well, i can't. It also feels so odd to suddenly chat them and say the same thing " What r u doing? can you accompany me for a while? i'm feeling lonely " No, not good especially when they're busy chatting with the girls they like. And those who chat me first,.. none. Because i umm... i've deleted all contacts that i don't want to chat with especially when they're a douchebag (alayers)
I only chat with certain male friends and those who i feel comfortable to chat with, if they chat me first.

By the way, it's getting late now.
Goodnight <3

The time of my life

2011-08-10T21:58:00.002+07:00

Is it just me or the time really passes so fast recently?
I'm getting older everyday, and my stomach is getting bigger each hour. No, i'm not pregnant and that's not funny. Haha. I just ate a lot recently. Somebody please stop me from eatinggg!
Anyway, I've been thinking.. i'd like to save the moment and use it wisely. I don't want to spend my last senior high frustrating about him which gives me no advantages, obviously. So i've been teasing and joking around since this morning. Me and my friends have this crazy idea of shooting the boys' asses with rubbers. I am not a good shooter, so i only pick whom to be shot and my friends will shoot it for me. We shot a lot of asses this morning and are planning to continue tomorrow. It'll be hilarious, especially when they don't know it was us who shoot them.

For those who are walking in the same shoes with me, an advice from me to you, don't waste your time frustrating about someone who don't feel the same way. If they don't like you for whatever you are, then so be it. If they can't accept you at your worst, they definitely don't deserve your best. Just say fuck you to them and walk away.
Life's short. If love is what you've been searching for, then stop for a while. You can find love anytime anywhere you want, but searching for true friends and having the moments full of awesomeness are hard to find. High school is only once in a lifetime, don't waste it by sitting dumbly in front your desk, listening to your ipod and do nothing but thinking of how miserable your love life is. That's what i usually do, by the way.
I am not a good advice-r nor a good listener, but i'll try to listen to my words this time.

PS : Just in case if you're wondering.. Yes, i consider shooting those boys asses as one of the moments full of awesomeness.

Forcing Laughter faking smiles

2011-08-09T22:25:00.003+07:00

Am i being paranoid or what?
I keep thinking about what will i be in the next 30 years. Well, i am loving my teenage life a lot and i am very unwilling to give it up since that time passes so fast. I should consider about marrying a vampire. So i can stay young forever? (Geez, i am turning into Snow White's step mom. Awfully vain.) and where in the world is Edward Cullen when i need him the most?

Anyway, let alone the thought of being old.
I deleted 773 people on my facebook page a few days ago and will continue to delete more tomorrow. I don't need 2567 friends after all. I used to be crazy over numbers, i thought of having lots of friends on facebook as something to be proud of, which gave the meaning that i was popular. Yes, i was so stupid back then. I thought of popularity as everything. But that was me before i hit... 16th? I lost track of time. I am being honest now, so please people. No judgment.
The now me, think of popularity as a bullshit. The funny thing about it is, what used to mean something to me now means nothing, which surprisingly reminds me of him. As you know, i am particularly in love with someone that i shouldn't love as discussed in my previous posts. From two years ago until now, my love for him never less. Ironically, he doesn't know and i am not planning to let him know. I still can't forget about him, his funny little smile, his ridiculous laughter, his affection towards me, he and everything about him. Anyhow, my point is.. he means a lot to me and perhaps he will mean nothing to me as the time goes by, the same way popularity means nothing to me now. Will it? If so, i wonder when. . .
You know, seeing him reminds me of how happy i was when he was there for me. I can barely taste the feel of yesterdays, where he was there in good and bad times and I miss the time when i changed his name to three question marks so that no one knew it was him i was texting with.
I should say.. i miss him, a lot. But i doubt if he feels the same.

Miserably Lonely

2011-08-06T23:01:00.004+07:00

You might wonder why i keep brooding about my love life.
Well to be honest, i am miserably lonely. That's the reason why. No matter how many friends do i have, i still feel lonely. Lonely because, i've no one to talk to. Sure i can find my friends, but it's just different.
When i had him, it felt so good to have someone who actually cared for you and even willing to do everything to make you feel safe and happy. I miss being asked "are you alright?" and said "i'm there for you". Unfortunately, it's been a long time since someone said he'll be there for me. In fact, the person in question is already gone, for good or for bad.
I need someone who'll be there for me for better or for worse, someone to share my happiness and sadness, someone who actually cares for me, someone who'll never hurt me.
I miss having someone.
Alas, nothing can i do to have him back. I can just admired him from afar.

Goodnight.

Only hearts can see

2011-08-01T18:30:00.000+07:00

For all parents, they consider all failures of their kids as their own stupidity and incapability.
But do they ever thought of, how do their kids feel and how do they live in their failures?
They can only say, " Why you're so stupid! " , " What a waste of money! ", etc. but they never know how much torment have you had inside.
I am a social student, taking a course at a class full of science students and learning what science students learned which is obviously different with what was taught at social class. Do you think it's easy? You're a minority, you've no voice. I find it hard to learn in a situation like that.
So i was taking this math a level try out at 10 pm today, and i fail. I literally fail although I've put so much effort in it. Seriously, my mind's going to explode. What i've learned didn't appear on the paper. I am totally blank. Then my parents said i'm stupid, that i'm just wasting their money.
They don't know, that behind my i'm-okay attitude, behind my calm face, i'm broken inside. I'm not exaggerating. I'm serious. I never cried over some stupid math problems, but this time i did. I literally cried because the problems are so hard and no one's helping me, i was afraid that my parents would be disappointed, and i was afraid that the teachers there will think of social students as stupid ones.
I have so much on my mind, and none of them understands me.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong, but i keep having bad days since Friday. Is it just me, or you guys also feel the same? It has been a really hard week for me, i've been crying since Saturday. Brooding why no one understands me, why i'm living in hell, and why i can't live in my own fairytale. Why can't i get the things that i want?
And what i really need right now, is someone to hear me out and someone who understands me.

When life stays the same

2011-07-29T21:50:00.001+07:00

Turns out the rain can't wash away all the pain of yesterday.
It has been raining a lot lately, which i hate. I hate rains especially when it comes at night or early morning.
#now playing - space bound by eminem
I thought things might happen differently, i thought i'm done living in the dark and is living with a sun shines on me but i was wrong. Things haven't change, not even one. I am still living in the dark, in the same misery, in the same desperado, in the same situation.

What i want and what i wish for are not yet granted. Or forever won't be?

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

2011-07-27T20:32:00.000+07:00

I am trying to get back on my feet.
The funny thing about love, is that no matter how many times or how hard you fell down, you'll eventually get back on your feet and keep moving on. That even if your body is full with bruises and injuries, you'll always keep trying.
This is the thing now, i won't say i'll love him forever because i won't be. I have had enough, i don't want to wait for nothing. He also never seems to care about me so why bother?
I may not find the one that is better than him in every aspect, but i sure will find that will love me and respect me more than him.

And thanks to my friends for your supports after all this time. You've been great supporters since the start, and i appreciate it a lot. Also thanks to those who said my sad tweets could affect their moods to become the same as mine too. I've no idea that my tweets have such super power. Nah, i'm kidding.
So, good night and good bye. See you guys tomorrow night! :)

A night to remember

2011-07-24T15:47:00.002+07:00

The Birthday Girl, Anastasia Khosasi

I love the color of this photo ♥

I think she looks so pretty here ;)

Happy Sweet Seventeen A ♥

Birthday Greetings

2011-07-22T22:38:00.000+07:00

I don't get to say appropriate Happy Birthday greetings to some of my lovely friends last week. So i think now is the right time.

Firstly Happy Birthday to William Angkasa (6th June)
Thank you for your understandings after all this time. Thank you for your willingness to hear all of my shits. Thank you for not judging me and gives me some great advices which i always happen to follow. Thank you for making me smile, when i don't feel like smiling. Actually i've grown accustomed of being teased by you everyday when we were in the same class, and now i kinda miss your teases. So happy birthday to you, man. I wish for your happiness, health and wealth. May you become a great person someday :)

Happy Birthday to Jessie Zhuo (11th June)
For JM, thank you for your great advices and understandings. You never judge me in every matter that i ever told you, in fact you always ask me to stay calm, gives me the best solutions and never say i'm stupid for whatever i do. It really means a lot to me. You're the best Jes. I owe you a lot. Thank you for everything. Happy Birthday by the way. You're 17th now and may you always get the best and be the best. I wish for your happiness, health and wealth :)

Happy Birthday to Shanice Chrysler (13th June)
We've been friends for years, and a lot have happened. I know i'm such a vain bitch during those years, and you might ever hated me too. But truly speaking, i don't know why i always feel like telling you everything. I feel like you're very easy to talk to. You and your silly jokes, you with your silly ideas (when it comes to teasing the teachers), etc, i never forget about them.
For whatever that have happened between us, i would like to say sorry if i ever did something wrong and no matter what happens, you always remain to be a great friend of mine. Happy birthday to you S, may you get the happiness that you wanted, and your prince in a white horse. I wish for your happiness, health and wealth :)

Happy Birthday to Anastasia Khosasih (15th June)
It takes me some times to realize of how weird are we, that we're able to be best friends even if we're not in the same class but only same tuition since that most of the people's bestfriends are their classmates. I feel so blessed to have you as my best friend, A. Thank you for always be there for me in good and bad times. Thank your for helping me in every shit that i got involved to. Thank you very much, for being the best friend ever. We never quarrel, we never fight, and what we always do are teasing, calming and helping each other. Happy birthday to you, A. May you always get the best of the best and live a life full of happiness. I wish for your happiness, health and wealth. :)

Feels like crying when i type this

I keep dancing on my own

2011-07-21T22:31:00.001+07:00

Jeje's back from Vietnam but not yet home since that she's staying at Singapore for a couple of days and will be back on Saturday. She's going to have an interview, or interviews? I hope she'll get the job that she wanted! Oh well, i miss her already. Can't wait for Saturday! ♥
Anyway, I wonder what Vietnam is like?

I am spending my days with sadness and happiness altogether. No wonder i have mood swings. Sometimes i feel like talking and teasing a lot, but another times i feel like being alone, not talking and listen to the music which is what i mostly do nowadays. I've been downloading many funny videos of Ray William Johnson's since that Ryan Higa doesn't upload anything recently. The reason for me to download them is because i need something to make me smile. The person that can make my day has gone away, and my friends who always make me laugh at class have moved to another class. I feel lonely, terrible, sad, and tortured.

I met him this afternoon after school. He has just bought a lunch for himself and was walking to the school gate. He didn't see me, ironically and this is my conversation with A :
Me : Look! It's him! It's him!
A : Where? Where?

Me : There! *pointing at him*
A : Ah, i see! Man, he's so tall.
Me : Yeah . . .
A : Look at him, he keeps on walking coolly without noticing that we're looking at him.
Me : *Fuck yeah*

This, is the kind of conversation that you'll get when you're loving someone secretly. You can just look at his back secretly, watching him from a distance, and admiring him quietly.
Pathetic, i know. But i believe everyone has ever gone through this phase, so you must know how it feels right?

I miss you

2011-07-20T16:51:00.000+07:00

Do you know that the hardest part of loving someone is when you can't have them?
I've been through that hard time, twice and is still going through that pain.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with myself. Why can't i forget him? I'm no longer in contact with him and i sometimes just see him once a day even if it's only his back i'm looking at.
He is such an enormous pain in the ass, like seriously.
And now i'm obsessed with space bound - eminem because of him, although i've always dislike eminem. Thanks to him now i'm obsessed with a song of someone that i dislike.
Anyhow, i'm not giving up. I must get over him for better or for worse and i will, . . . someday.

I miss the time when he asked me not to cry over my ex
I miss the time when we played xoxo on my math book.
I miss the time when he always looked at me with a grin on his face.
I miss the time when he asked me to just call him whenever i feel alone.
I miss the time when he tried to make me smile by showing me a photo of mr.bean
I miss the time when he always reminded me to drink a lot.
I miss the time when he said my laugh is funny.
I miss the time when . . . Who cares when? No matter how many times i say i miss him, no matter how huge is this missing feeling, nothing will ever change. He's just him, living his own life, owned by someone else and i'm just a pathetic and miserable girl who keeps remembering the old times when the person himself has forgot about everything.
I am so sick of myself.

No pain no gain

2011-07-16T23:13:00.000+07:00

I thought i'm going to spend my Saturday night alone at home, but it turns out the contrary.
Well, the best part of today is i made a wish out of a balloon. I was given a balloon on one of my friend's birthday and i together with my friends wrote our wishes on a piece of paper and tied them on our balloons. Then we just set them free. I'm so happy to see mine flied freely high to the sky. It reminds me of my 2008 old and new event. Seriously, i love setting the balloons free.

Anyway, some people are selling this product named Acai Berry recently. They're setting a huge promotion in blackberry messenger and i get so irritated for it.
Idk what is acai berry, but it seems like a drug to me. Not illegal drug, i mean. It can reduce your weight very fast in days. I mean, from their promotions, it was said that their customers lost 1,35 pounds ( 3 kg ) in 3 freaking days and they lost 8.1 pounds ( 18 kg ) in a month.
Even if they saiy Acai Berry has no side effects, are you really sure about it? I'm so suspicious with that drug because it's working really fast, and you don't even need to work out. What does it possesses actually? Won't you be suspicious? Yes, perhaps there's no side effects . . . for now! And you won't know what will happen latter.
If it was me, i won't buy it. Even if what they say is the truth. I think if you want to lose weight, you better work out. It's a safer and better way to a healthy and beautiful life. No pain no gain remember?

Ridiculous rules

2011-07-14T22:48:00.000+07:00

Ridiculous school rules :

*Students are not allowed to bring cellphones with cameras
Critic : What era is it now? Wait, Are we living under the rocks? Every cellphone now, even the cheapest cells are built in cameras. I even saw an advertisement of a china cellphone with 3 cameras sold in a cheap price. And it's a sucks rule too. We must buy a new phone to obey this rule. It's okay if it's the school who give the phones for free for us, but if you ask us to buy it on our own, you're mad. I won't waste a single penny on a phone that i'll only use at school.

*Students ( Girls ) are not allowed to have a hairstyle
Critic : Owkay, this rule is a bit weird. Well, everyone has a hairstyle. What do they mean with no hairstyle? Even a head with no bangs and hair cut flat also counts as a hairstyle. No hairstyle = BALD. Confusingly, we also are not allowed to be bald. This is a very confusing rules and sucks too.

*Students are not allowed to lie
Critic : Seriously dude, who doesn't lie? I bet even the teachers ever lie. Lying is something that we do almost everyday. And making this rule is totally ridiculous because no one will obey, and hey! you won't even know if we don't obey. Duh, that is what so called lying!

*Students are not allowed to wear stylish spectacles
Critic : Only rectangular shape specs are allowed? Erm, rectangular? Those that only old people wears? That's shocking. Why don't they just ask us to use a spec like BOBOHO's? Just because all teachers wear that kind of specs, doesn't mean we must be just like them. We're not living in the 90's, mind you.

*Students are not allowed to bring outside foods into school areas.
Critic : This rule is seriously beneficial to cafeteria's people because we're only allowed to buy from them unless we eat those outside foods outside. Firstly, it's always so hot outside and it's so uncomfortable eating there and they also have limited seats. Secondly, we get bored with school foods. Duh, won't you get bored by eating the same thing everyday?

These are rules that i think are the most ridiculous ones. And there are still so many ridiculous rules which i've forgotten. You'll be shock reading all of the rules.
But seriously, if all of the students really obeys ALL of the rules, this school will be desperately boring and filled with geeks and nerds. All of them would be very quiet in class, wears spectacles, no hairstyle (bald?), being honest all the time even if the teacher asked them what do they think about him they'll answer : honestly sir, we hate you. Nah, welcome to the 80s or 90s ? Um, i think even people in the 80-90s don't act that way.

unfinished post

2011-07-13T22:14:00.000+07:00

Sometimes i feel it's god damn hard to be myself or to live my life.
I wonder why some people, or perhaps most of the people i know happen to get the fairytale of their own and i wonder why i never got mine. I've always wish for a fairytale where i'm respected, not being underestimated, make my parents proud of me, getting the man that i love most, throwing a party that i've always dreamed, having little imperfections, and last but not least being a great human being. Unfortunately, so far i'm disappointing my parents, underestimated by people, losing the one that i like most, and i feel like i'm a despicable human being.
What's the point on achieving the highest mark on school subjects, while i fail in every life subject? Are school marks really that important? I don't think so. So what if you're the 1st rank of 500, so what if you get As on all subjects. SO WHAT? They all mean nothing when you're a failure in life. Life teaches so many things that aren't taught at school which is more important than chasing marks.
I myself don't feel proud of my achievements. They can't make me happy.

The prisoner of history

2011-07-11T22:09:00.004+07:00

I wonder why my past keeps following me although i've tried my best to get rid of it.
Every time i met new guys, they'll ask about my past, of who did i date, how many did i date, why did i broke up. Seriously, is that so important? Can you people just cut it out?
Let me tell you something, i am ashamed of my past, of who did i date and why did we broke up. Because he's the worst nightmare ever!
Can we just forget about it for now and forever, and never to mention it again?
The past stays in the past, we can't change a thing about it even if we talked about it a thousand times.
Perhaps what happened in the past isn't so bad like i said but i feel really bad, huge indeed.
And now i feel blessed for having a friend that has been a friend of mine since i'm 14th. I've always consider him as my brother though that we rarely contact each other now, because he has got a girlfriend and a job. He's the one that understands me. Of all persons that i told this to, he's the one that actually cares. He was like "are you alright? Thank god you're alright" (His reaction was not due to his crush on me because he never have any crush on me) Yeah, ironically he's the one that reacted that way. Others' reactions were " You're god damn stupid. I told you so!"
What i need is someone to calm me down, not someone to blame me for what i did. I've blamed myself enough.
I am sick of how people judge me for what i did.
Can you please just judge yourself of why you keep judging others?

Can anybody see me?

2011-07-09T22:19:00.001+07:00

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?

I'm in here, a prisoner of history,
Can anybody help?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with inside of me.

I'm in here, I'm trying to tell you something,
Can anybody help?

I'm in here, I'm calling out but you can't hear,
Can anybody help?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with inside of me.

I'm crying out, I'm breaking down,
I am fearing it all,
Stuck inside these walls,
Tell me there is hope for me
Is anybody out there listening?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with inside of me.

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with inside of me.

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Style of The Day

2011-07-06T23:16:00.002+07:00

You can match those top and bottom with this platform to create a more striking look

This feminine boots right here to make your look more girly, but this is more recommended tho.

And accessorized yourself with these :

And don't forget the bag :

Here's the new in stuffs this week on topshop.

Photos : Courtesy of Topshop

Underestimated

2011-07-06T22:39:00.001+07:00

I am sick of being underestimated.
I went to a tuition that teaches math for a level yesterday and it's my first day there. I thought the class is going to be fine, but to my surprise, it's not. It never occurs to me that all people in that class are science class students (though there was only 2 people at the current time) while i myself is a social class student. Then i realized that that math course for a level is mostly entered by science students. I feel so dumb. Yeah, because whenever the teacher taught something, he kept on asking whether what he taught is also taught at social class. Wtf? Did he think that they only taught 1 + 1 = 2 in social class?
Okay, he may not mean to insult me but he seriously has insulted me subconsciously. Yeah, maybe i'm dumber than those students because i kept telling the wrong answer back then, maybe their IQ are greater than mine because they could caught the lesson really fast while i couldn't but that doesn't mean that they're greater than me. Yeah, they could win a medal, or get the highest rank but that too, doesn't mean they're better than me, well technically they are but i also have the greater side of myself which they probably don't have. I'm good at drawing, designing, writing, socializing, and i can speak little french, sew, bake, cook (a bit), craft, etc. And the most important thing is, i've many great friends who will always be there for me.
So you know, everyone has their own specialties, so why must they differ between science class and social class that much? Does by entering science class means they're so smart and unbeatable already? And does by entering social class means we're so uneducated and dumb? Is that so? If you think so then you're very shallow minded. Even my school's teachers who teach at science class don't respect us. Well, if taking science class is so great already why were those teachers chose to be a teacher? All of them could be a doctor, surgeon, scientist, pharmacist, architect, etc right? What's the point on taking the science class that's sooo great and unbeatable while you'll end up being a humble teacher?
Social class might be rebellious, be noisier, and uncontrollable, but we could make the teachers laugh, we bring this school to live, and we're unified. If this school is only filled by science class' students, i bet it'll be lifeless #notfun

Anyway, Happy Birthday to my best man-friend William Angkasa!
He's the best because he's a good listener, like seriously, he never criticized (well, maybe once), and he had helped me a lot. Although that he might sometimes irritates me because he keeps on teasing me and he has this high self confidence that i can't debate with him.
Thank You so much for your advices after all this time and thank you for listening to all of my shits.
May your wishes come true, man!

PS : I'm not insulting science class' students here or even saying bad things about it. I know you guys are innocent and are indeed clever and smart. I'm just sick of being underestimated by some people. I need to speak up for myself, and my social friends because no one seems to speak up for them.
Forgive me if my words hurt your feelings. I don't mean to.

Goodnight.